147,000 trips, 7,498 people, 84 airlines, 46 major airports, and only one “burgundy bible.”

This morning, Zagat Survey and the “Today” show announced results of their Global Airline Survey. If you have flight plans this holiday season, brace yourself. It’s probably going to be a rough ride.

There has been a general haze of discontent surrounding the airline industry for quite some time. Does anyone remember that little hiccup at LAX back in August that left 20,000 travelers in limbo for 10 hours? That wasn’t even the holiday crunch.

Over the summer, official complaints about airline service in general jumped 43 percent. Since then, NASA completed a six-year long study about airline safety that was startling enough for NASA to originally consider burying the results.

Now, in what could easily be regarded as a terrestrial version of the “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy,” Zagat has released a definitive compendium of facts and reviews to help protect your sanity over the holidays.

First, the unfortunate news. According to the survey, “Overall, America’s major airlines continue to disappoint on their domestic service.” Zagat published their first airline survey in 1990, and since then, “the average overall quality ratings of American Airlines, Delta, Northwest, United and US Airways decreased anywhere from five to nine points on the Zagat 30 point scale.”

This could cause a few headaches; especially since the U.S. domestic category will be the busiest one over the holidays, but don’t worry too much. All is not lost if you stick with the underdog.

A few carriers out there are still in the public’s good graces, and it’s the little guy who’s winning out. The top three domestic carriers in the economy class are Midwest Airlines, Virgin America, and JetBlue Airways.

Continental and Southwest are also exceptions that ranked highly in reviews. Zagat attributes this to “strong management, good labor relations and largely new fleets.”

For complete results of the Zagat Global Airline Survey, including some pretty hilarious outtakes and commentary, point your Web browser towards http://www.zagat.com/airline.

Or, if you need information on the fly, you can access all that Zagat has to offer directly from your smartphone with Zagat To Go, developed by Handmark Inc. It puts over 75 guides worth of trusted Zagat information at your fingertips, and trust me, it’s especially handy in a pinch. The only thing that makes an unexpected overnight layover even worse is topping it off with a bad meal in a strange city. You can pick it up at http://mobile.zagat.com.

Additionally, don’t forget to download and exploit the advantages of Pocket Express Travel Edition for your smartphone and its advanced travel features to defend your self against the inconveniences of not being informed during a time of year when immediate information is priceless. You can find it at http://www.pocketexpress.com.

Happy holidays, folks, and best of luck.

–Joey Alfino, RED Editorial Staff

Pocket Express is pleased to announce the newest development in Red’s world. During the course of each week, the Red Editorial Staff will compile some of the funniest, edgiest, and dumbest news stories, line them all up, and shoot ‘em all down in a segment we like to call “Red’s Rundown.”

The Rundown will post every Friday afternoon, and alternate each week between news and sports. So if there’s something going on in the world you missed (or something you regret noticing) we’ll do our best to find it, tackle it, and blow it out of the water. Stay tuned . . .

–RED Editorial Staff

Red’s Rundown (9.21.07)

I’m starting to feel guilty for writing about O.J. last Monday. The Juice is low hanging fruit.

Is Madison Gabriel, 13, too young to put on a bikini and strut down a fashion runway? Absolutely. Unless you’re a polygamist. Or Warren Jeffs.

A 30 year-old man in China dropped dead after a 3-day video game marathon. Somebody should have told him that up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Start would have gotten him 30 extra lives.

News wires around the nation and Canada are reporting that illegal immigrants fear deportation. In other news, 2 + 2 = 4.

A new fad in wedding proposals is to hire a photographer to lurk in the bushes so candid shots can be taken. Don’t worry, it’s the good kind of spying. You better hope she says yes, buddy.

President Bush, father of the “No Child Left Behind Act,” said he will veto a new deal in Congress to expand children’s health care.

Bush is also convinced that Congress is only pushing the deal to garner a political victory. A political victory? In politics?!? Surely not.

Britney Spears is not fat. She’s crazy.

New York architect Dominic Habsburg, who has hereditary claim to Bran Castle where it’s rumored that Vlad Tsepesh (the real life Dracula) once slept, will sell the property back to Romania for $78 million. Romanian officials say that price is too high. You can’t get blood from a stone.

Rush Limbaugh is outraged by the insensitivity of a moveon.org ad calling General Patraeus General “Betray Us”. This from a man who said, “Feminism was established to allow unattractive women easier access to the mainstream.” He’s such a teddy bear.

Blackwater, America’s privately contracted mercenary army, has been suspended from action after questionable conduct. If they are removed from Iraq, the A-Team will come out of retirement.

A Kansas military cemetery has run out of space after the burial of another casualty of the Iraq war, officials said on Thursday. If that’s not a hint, I don’t know what is.

–Joey Alfino, RED Editorial Staff

With datelines from the US, UK and around the world comes a new “Express Exclusive.” It’s original and featured Express content that appears in Sports, News, and other Express channels. The very first Red commentary appears starting this week coincidental to the beginning of the annual NCAA basketball tournament.

Written by a team of young journalists, and some “old” media veterans, the Express Exclusive(s) appear under the collective pseudonym of “Red.”

Red writes with a breezy, feisty, and slightly irreverent attitude.

In Sports, Red sees all public sports as forms of mass entertainment where the spectators and the players are all part of the story. Commercial amusement is the real character of sport activity and something to be celebrated along with the team and individual efforts. Off the playing field behavior of professionals and amateurs is fair game because it plays into the rest of our society’s celebrity worship.

Enjoy Red, agree with Red, get angry at Red, but whatever else, please read Red.

Signed, Red’s editors