Oil Pirates? (Environment)

The recent hijacking of Saudi-owned Sirius Star oil tanker by pirates has sparked a mini skirmish on the high seas, concerning national governments and shipping companies worldwide . . . sigh.  Pirates?  Seriously?  Pirates?  We have pirate problem now?  Talk about regression.  Look, I know it’s a grave concern, but this is a stupid problem to have.

Congratulations, people of Earth.  Our environmental troubles are slowly turning this planet into a real version of post-apocalyptic 80’s and 90’s films.  Very disappointing when you consider how awful most of those movies are.

In response to the hijacking of the Sirius Star, International Maritime Bureau (IMB) Director Pottengal Mukundan stated in press release last Tuesday, “Although this is just the latest of a large spike in attacks off the east coast of Africa, this incident is significant on two counts. Firstly, this is the largest vessel to have been hijacked. Secondly, the distance from the shore would suggest a highly organised operation–this is not mere opportunism.”

Alright, fine.  So the pirates are organized and have managed to break a personal best in hijacking such a massive vessel.  A personal best that apparently left these pirates with a sense of empowerment since only yesterday Somali pirates hijacked two more ships, a Thai vessel and an Iranian cargo carrier.

It’s now also being reported on National Public Radio that the Indian navy has “battled pirates and destroyed one of their so-called mother ships” off the coast of Somalia.

Wow.  “Battled pirates?”  As I said, I know this problem is fairly serious but does the phrase “battling pirates” make anyone else chuckle?  And can someone please send me a new calendar?  Mine says we’re living in 2008 but it must be off by about 300 years.

Now every single expert in this field, from faculty at the U.S. Naval War College to Captain Jack Sparrow, is answering questions from the media about what can be done here and how this is even possible.

The experts have plenty of answers for that, but most of them agree that modern pirates are smarter than people give them credit for. The pirates are, according to an assessment from the BBC, “very good at what they do” and “run sophisticated operations using the latest hi-tech equipment such as satellite phones and GPS.”

Alright, fine again.  So they’re really good at sneaking up on really big boats like the Sirius Star.  But I can’t help feeling that each detail the experts give us about why these pirates are so good is nothing more than another excuse for the people who are trying to catch them . . . and failing at it.

In this day and age (or at least the day and age I think we’re currently in) it shouldn’t matter how many cool gadgets Somali pirates have.  The fact remains that these pirates do the majority of their pirating on the ocean, and it’s really hard to hide on the ocean, folks.  Even at night . . . isn’t it?

Don’t we have night vision and heat sensors and motion trackers and airplanes and jets and AWACS and satellites in space watching our every move?  I understand how difficult it might have been to find a pirate in 1715, but now?

So, three cheers and an extra dram of rum to the Indian navy for finding the pirate mother ship, but it’s safe to assume this scourge isn’t purged from our waters yet.  We’re going to have to declare war on another noun.  And if the major naval forces of this world can’t get the job done, then there’s only one thing left to do.

Resurrect the East India Trading Company and give them the rest of the bailout money.

–Joey Alfino, Red Editorial Staff.