Red’s Rundown (08.29.08)

–In an effort to ensure the punishment fits the crime, police in Shanghai will begin punishing jaywalkers by posting their picture in newspapers and on television in order to publicly humiliate them. That might sound strange, but it’s better than what they do to you for littering: it involves a flagpole and your underwear.

–King of Pop Michael Jackson told Good Morning America in a phone interview that, even though he’s 50 years old, he feels “very young.” I bet he does. It takes plastic about 400 years to biodegrade, you know.

–David Duchovny, the “X-Files” actor who got his start on the steamy adult series “The Red Shoe Diaries” and recently played a womanizing writer on the cable television series “Californication,” has checked into rehab for his crippling sex addiction. Man. And all this time I thought he was an actor.

–Inflation rates have made most meats too expensive for some citizens in Cambodia, causing many to feed themselves with rat meat. Plans to open a Cambodian Disneyland have been abandoned since Mickey fears for his life.

–In the U.K., a large slice of royal cake from the wedding of Lady Diana Spencer and Prince Charles was sold at auction for 1,000 pounds ($1,826.40). Chris Albury, from the auction house in South Cerney said, “Whoever bought it is unlikely to eat it as it will undoubtedly taste stale and be an expensive experiment.” True, but I’ll bet it wouldn’t be was stale as that comment.

–Jacob van Dijk, a geometrician in the Netherlands, is claiming Italy’s Tower of Pisa is no longer the world’s most leaning tower. According to him, the world’s most leaning tower is the church tower of Walfridus. That’s how important history is in Europe. They’re actually going to argue over whose building is falling down the fastest.

–Italian priest Antonio Rungi told the press that he has decided to cancel his controversial plans to hold the world’s first beauty contest exclusively for nuns. I guess the swimsuit competition was a problem.

–A woman is suing a small town in Pennsylvania because they won’t let her open a female-only fitness studio where participants get in shape through pole dancing, power lap dancing and other high impact exercises called “SeXXXercise.” A town representative said it was “too dangerous for their township.” Township? Are they afraid the SeXXXercise will get in the way of their butter churning and witch burning?

–Joey Alfino, RED Editorial Staff.