In the days leading up to Super Bowl XLII, we’ve all seen what happens to the media when they have too much time on their hands. Every single conceivable story angle has been covered, updated, and covered again—twice.

The sports media has interviewed every player and talked to every single coach that Eli Manning and Tom Brady have ever had. They’ve even interviewed Valdir Bündche, father of Gisele Bündche, Tom Brady’s Brazilian supermodel girlfriend.

ESPN has been airing an annoying comedy short about Tom Brady’s secret life as one of the long lost Brady Bunch siblings, and if Tom Brady’s dirty socks could talk, I’m sure they’d be interviewed as well.

The point is, aside from the from the insurmountable price of advertising and the appearance of Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, the Super Bowl is going to be played just like any other football game. The glut of analysis is just a time killer.

By kickoff, all the time and energy spent writing articles about how people in Gisele’s hometown don’t understand what her boyfriend does for a living aren’t going to mean squat.

The only thing that matters is how Eli Manning handles the situation. I’m not trying to detract from everything the Patriots have accomplished this year, but we all know New England is expected to win.

If the Patriots blast the Giants out of the Arizona desert and go undefeated, they’re only doing what they’re supposed to do.

But if the Giants win, well, that’s not supposed to happen. They’re not even supposed to be in the Super Bowl. Right Tiki?

So analyze all you want to, but the majority of it isn’t going to matter. In Super Bowl XLII, the biggest factor, the one thing that’s going to have the most influence, is Eli Manning. Period.

The Giant’s came around at the same time Eli did, and that’s no coincidence. Everyone on that squad has talent, but it was Eli that got New York another shot at the Pats.

Sure, there are other variables, but all of them involve Eli at some point. Can the offensive line protect Eli, can Eli’s receivers have a break out game against players like Asante Samuel, can the Giants offense control the line of scrimmage and give Eli more options, etc.

And don’t think for one second that Belichick doesn’t know that. If he takes Eli out of the equation, the Pats are home free. That’s why Eli is the only thing that matters.

It’s an uphill battle for Eli, but he’s proved up for it in the last few weeks. If nothing else, I do expect this Sunday to be one of the better Super Bowls in awhile. Even if we all have a good idea how it’s going to end.

If you haven’t made up your mind about who to root for in the Super Bowl, here’s a little test to help you decide. Read the following sentence: The last time the Patriots played the Giants, New England rallied from 12 points down in the third quarter to win 38-35.

Now, what about that sentence excited you the most? Was it, A.) The Patriots were twelve points down, or B.) The Patriots win 38-35.

If you answered “A”, then you’re a Giants fan. It also means you’re an optimist. Good for you.

Keep hope alive.

–Joey Alfino, RED Editorial Staff

I was recently given the task of attending two separate Missouri political rallies, 158.39 miles apart, in one day. The first was for Senator John Edwards in Jefferson City, the second for Barack Obama in Kansas City.

It was a process that took six hours of standing, six hours of driving, and 316.78 miles (round trip) to complete. My immersion into the breakneck pace of politics was a clinic in anthropology. The rallies proved wildly entertaining, amazingly dissimilar, and one thing is perfectly clear: The people are always more interesting than the candidates.

The Edwards rally was scheduled for noon at the Fraternal Order of Eagles building in Jefferson City. I walked into the venue at 10 a.m. sharp, and the tone of the rally was immediately obvious. John Edwards has always championed himself as the “hero of the middle class.” He prides himself on being raised from modest means, and everything about this venue was just that.

I was one of the first to arrive. All the others in the room were incorporated with planning the rally in some fashion, and they were some of the most gracious people I’ve ever encountered. I told them I had driven 150 miles to cover the rally, and they were elated. “Good to see you, young man! Let me give you a tour.”

It didn’t take long.

A humble assembly of about 100 chairs was arranged on the floor, which on the weekends doubled as a dance hall. A flyer in the hallway advertised bingo night, twice a week at 7 p.m. The building wasn’t old in a classical sense, but its yellowish-brown interior and wood paneled walls gave a distinct elderly impression.

Behind me stood a set of wooden double doors with a brass plaque that read “Members only.” Behind those doors was a private bar, dimly lit with dark carpet and completely bereft of windows. By now it was 10:45 or so, and there were a couple of people inside drinking highballs.

There’s no way for me to know if there was alcohol in those glasses or not so I won’t speculate. Even still, it was slightly humorous to think that, in about one hour, John Edwards would be the room preaching about how bad life is for the little guy, and the little guy is waiting for him to show up by passing his time in a bar.

The demographic was one you might expect for a Missouri town situated in the Ozarks. Of the 500 people in attendance, the majority of them were older, close to retirement or past it. Several people wore denim overalls and mesh ball caps with John Deere or Caterpillar logos.

A few local politicians took the stage first, giving small speeches to warm up the crowd.
There was some speculation as to whether the event would start on time. I was certain the hectic schedule of a presidential hopeful would guarantee a late arrival, but at noon on the dot, Senator Edwards stepped into the room.

Edwards delivered everything one might expect from a presidential candidate, but there was an elephant in the bingo hall no one wanted to talk about—at least until Edwards’ speech was over.

Everyone in attendance wholeheartedly supported Edwards, but it seemed like their support was rooted more in what they thought of him as a person and not as a viable presidential contender.

After Edwards’ speech, there was a fluttering of conversation in the crowd concerning his future. “He’s just great,” I heard people say, “I support him, but it’s too bad he won’t get the nomination.”

Very true.

Edwards’ rally yesterday at the Fraternal Order of Eagles was one of his last.
Right now, as I write this article, John Edwards is in New Orleans announcing his decision to drop out of the presidential race.

As I made my way out, I took the time to interview people about their impressions of Edwards’ final rally. That’s where I found the most enjoyment.

The most colorful character I encountered was a man named Fred Case. Mr. Case is an auditor in the state of Missouri’s Medicaid program, and he’s been “a staunch Democrat for 10 years.”

Mr. Case also told me that he grew up in Callaway County. “I don’t know if you know anything about Callaway County, Missouri,” he said, “but a few years ago, we shot Republicans there.” I’m pretty sure he was kidding. Dark sense of humor or not, people like Mr. Case are the reason why attending a political rally is so memorable.

If you want to know what a complete stranger is like in a short period of time, there’s nothing like a political discussion.

–Joey Alfino, RED Editorial Staff

(Continued in Pt. 2)

When I first arrived in Jefferson City earlier that morning the temperature was pushing 60 degrees, but in a meteorological twist that seemed analogous to Edwards’ presidential hopes, the temperature plummeted to 20 degrees by the time I left. When I finally reached Municipal Auditorium in downtown Kansas City, the weather was indescribably frigid.

As I stepped into the foyer of Municipal Auditorium, the first thing I noticed was an obvious fire code violation. I couldn’t even venture to guess how many people I saw crowded into that room, but calling it packed like a can of sardines is hardly adequate.

Compared to that crowd, sardines have all the room in the world.

At first, the Obama rally was an exercise in patience. The line to get in snaked all around the lower structure of Municipal.

It wound downstairs, past a row of metal detectors, out the back door, up into the parking garage, through the back door again, up and down a utility hallway, and finally into a gigantic room. The process took two hours, and I haven’t seen a line like that since Space Mountain opened in Disney World.

The feeling inside was epic. Vast amounts of people swirled around in a bath of gymnasium-style florescent lights. There was drum line as well, and combined with thousands of people all chanting in a huge room with concrete floors, concrete walls, and a concrete ceiling, it was like stumbling into a Saxon invasion.

The event was billed as a “Town Hall” meeting. If that was a town hall meeting, then War and Peace is a short story.

But an event of this magnitude has its shortcomings. The scale and pageantry of the event, while exhilarating, choked out any sense of the closed and intimate setting a term like “Town Hall ” implies. Of course, much of this has to do with Kansas City’s metropolitan feel compared with Jefferson City’s rural appeal.

People weren’t as willing to stop and talk afterwards like the crowd at the Fraternal Order of Eagles. The Municipal crowd had places to go, cold weather to deal with, and traffic to get ahead of. A fair amount of the audience, sensing that Obama’s speech was drawing to a close, began leaving early to avoid the gridlock.

Some people simply had enough of standing, and some were noticeably terse with others after exhausting their patience in that never-ending line. It was easy to notice how a number of people considered the experience grueling, even if they were glad they went.

As for myself, if there were another political rally happening within 300 miles, I would have jumped back in my car and hit the road for a third time.

There are enough jokes about politicians out there to fill the hole in the ozone layer. We all know that. Politics furnish us with an endless supply of levity and cynicism for countless reasons, but one of the most common also happens to be this election’s biggest buzzword for Republicans and Democrats alike: Change.

Change Washington. Change the status quo. No more business as usual. In fact, the only thing that never seems to change in an election year is the need for change itself. If you pay enough attention to it, the message of change becomes canned, trite, vapid, and other adjectives as well.

But change is the whole point of a presidential election, isn’t it? What kind of candidate would pin his or her election hopes on the slogan, “Hey, if it ain’t broke . . .” Change is a method. It’s a tool to ensure our government doesn’t lock itself into a self-perpetuating cycle of horrible ideas.

That’s the theory, anyway.

The public can access a candidate’s message of change and repetitive rhetoric through countless media outlets until their ears are red, but after cruising around the Show Me State for hours on end, I started to see the problem. I have an idea why people are jaded; I have an idea why people are bored.

Technology, for all its wonder, homogenized a process that was never meant to be experienced on your couch. We need to get out of the house. We need to travel a little bit more.

And I’m not talking about traveling for the sake of relaxation. I’m not talking about booking a flight to the Vatican so you can wander around the Sistine Chapel and eat fresh Italian gelato just to look down your noses at the poor, unworldly suckers that can’t afford it.

I’m talking about political attendance. If the closest you’ve ever been to a political rally is watching one on CNN, I suggest you fix that.

If the grapevine tells you that a candidate is coming anywhere near your town, drop what you’re doing, throw the kids in the car, and go see it. You don’t have to cheer, you don’t have to fight for autographs or elbow your way through a crowd to get your baby kissed. That’s not the point.

You should get out and experience a political rally for the same reason that Steinbeck wrote Travels With Charley and crafted such gritty, real, and compelling characters in The Grapes of Wrath. It’s the people, and the people are what make the experience so unforgettable.

Not the candidates.

–Joey Alfino, RED Editorial Staff

Technically, they’re not really ice caves, which are year-round frosty caverns. But when the waters of Lake Superior freeze in and around the famous Apostle Islands sea caves in winter, the term “ice caves” seems the most appropriate term for these glittering niches.

Wisconsin’s Apostle Islands National Lakeshore encompasses a 22-island archipelago and 12-mile slice of western Bayfield Peninsula. In summer, people flock to this idyllic spot to kayak through the serpentine sea caves pockmarking the lakeshore’s red sandstone cliffs. In the winter, they come to walk through them in all their diamond-encrusted glory.

A few decades ago, it was pretty easy to explore the caves in winter, as this small pocket of Lake Superior regularly froze. Today the water only freezes sporadically — typically just a few weeks in February and March, and sometimes never. If you’re lucky enough to find solid ice waiting at Meyers Beach (a National Park Service sign lets you know if it’s safe), take the mile-long trek out to the caves and be prepared for a treat.

The caves are as varied as humans. Some are so tiny, you have to crawl on your belly to get inside. Others are so immense, you could drive a semi inside. What you see depends on the very day and minute you’re there.

“If you go out after a night when it was below zero, the icicles in the back of the caves can have hoarfrost on them,” says Neil Howk, National Park Service employee. “Hoarfrost is like little hairs, and if you breathe on them they move. In some places you’ll see waterfalls frozen from the top of a cave to the bottom, or sheets of clear ice you can look through like panes of glass. And the ice in and around the caves can be blue, pink or white. It’s different all the time.”

The National Park Service runs a sea cave “ice line” to alert callers when the ice is sturdy enough for walking. But even if the ice isn’t cooperating, you can always hike the winding Lakeshore Trail, which takes you two miles from Meyers Beach to the top of the caves, where you’ll be able to see a few close-ups of single caves and several sweeping vistas of the shoreline, peppered with yawning openings of various shapes and sizes.

While viewing the caves from the Lakeshore Trail is nowhere near as glorious as standing inside a cavern festooned with innumerable sparkling ice formations, you can always return next winter. It’s guaranteed to be worth the effort.

For current conditions, call the Apostle Islands Ice Line at 715-779-3397 x3 or see www.nps.gov/apis/mawikwe-caves-winter.

–Melanie Radzicki McManus, RED Travel Writer

At the University of California in Berkeley, researchers are planning to market a laboratory chip that can be used to test the toxicity of chemical compounds, thereby sparing the lives of countless lab rats.

It’s the best thing to happen to rats since Rizzo got a job on The Muppet Show.

Thanks to a European ban on cosmetic animal testing, companies around the world are searching for high-tech alternatives to test product safety without endangering the lives of animals. Professor Jonathan Dordick believes he has the answer.

The new chip looks like a microscope slide, but it’s packed with hundreds of tiny little white dots that contain various human cell structures and enzymes.

This development should be good news to animal rights activists like PETA. Animal cruelty is a growing concern for many both here and abroad, and that’s understandable. With the increasing popularity of environmental responsibility and green living, scaling back on animal testing is a closely related topic.

The chip has two components, the MetaChip and the DataChip. The MetaChip has rows of human liver enzymes, and the DataChip has an array of human bladder, liver, kidney, heart, skin or lung cell cultures. The contents of the chip vary from test to test.

A scientist wanting to test toxicity levels of, let’s say a hair cream for example, would introduce the product to the cell cultures. If the cells die or stop growing, it’s a sign that a toxin was present and it’s back to the drawing board.

While it’s not a complete substitute for old-fashioned methods, the chip will most likely have enormous mass appeal when it comes to a company’s public image.
Pressures for corporations to be environmentally friendly increase daily, so the line of cosmetic and beauty product manufacturers that can’t wait to brag about how eco-friendly they are is sure to be pretty long.

Professor Dordick told the Associated Press that, “At the end of the day, you have fewer animals being tested.” That holds a promising future for the rats, but the chip is still in its infancy. While some scientists believe the day will come when animal testing is eradicated, that day is a long way off.

“Animal testing still has an essential role in making sure new pharmaceutical products are safe and effective for humans”, said Taylor Bennett, senior science adviser to the National Association for Biomedical Researchers. “Animal studies generally are needed before the federal Food and Drug Administration will approve clinical trials for a drug.”

So as queasy as animal testing makes some people feel, we might still need it for a while. I’m as fond of furry creatures as the next guy, but if I’m ever in a position where I have to ingest an experimental drug, I’m going to be interested in what that drug has done to other living things. I don’t really care how it tested on a piece of glass. Would you?

Until you test substance on a living host, everything else is just glorified paperwork. If I ask my physician, “Hey doc, about this new drug, is it safe? Has it ever killed anything in the past?” and says, “Well, not on paper”, then I’m not taking the pill.

Taylor Bennet also said, “The technology is not yet there to go from idea to patient application without using animals.” It’ll be multiple decades at least.

And since an average rat has a life span of about three years, the next 10 or 20 generations of lab rats won’t have a whole lot to look forward to. Sorry fellas.

Now that I think about it, maybe this new chip isn’t such a good thing for rats. If there ever comes a day when rats aren’t used in labs anymore, they’ll have to go back to doing what nature intended them to do.

Get eaten by snakes.

–Joey Alfino, RED Editorial Staff

You’ve spent all day enduring the rigors of travel. Finally you arrive at your hotel, tired and hungry, in an unfamiliar city. It’s time for a decent meal. Where do you go?

There are lots of great restaurant guides. But you don’t need a traditional guide to enjoy a memorable meal. Instead, follow these tips to improve your chances for a great night out.

Ask those in the know. Hotels often have reciprocal deals with restaurants, a you-scratch-my-back-and-I’ll-scratch-yours understanding. And they may try to impress you by sending you to the most expensive place in town. Instead, ask the locals—business associates, your cabbie or others you encounter during the day. And ask them “Where do you like to eat out?” to improve the odds of finding an interesting place. “Where’s the best restaurant?” is liable to land you in a fancy, over-priced joint.

Avoid the chains. Enough said.

You cannot be all things to all people. That’s true for restaurants, too. You’ve seen them: Chinese buffets serving steak, burgers and fried chicken; Mexican restaurants offering stir-fry dishes; and my favorite, the Boston donut shop that also sells sushi. Restaurants that prepare one cuisine well don’t need to diversify by adding others. Avoid them.

Look for the crowds. Central Grocery in New Orleans; Ben’s Chili Bowl in Washington; El Siboney in Key West. They all share this telltale sign of a good restaurant: The line of patrons waiting for food stretches out the door and half-way down the street. Follow their lead.

Find out what’s local. You know that BBQ is king in Kansas City and lobsters are never better than in Maine. Odds are there’s something locally famous where you’re traveling, too. Figure out what it is. And remember that it might be an ingredient rather than an entrée, like asparagus in Germany in the spring or apples in Seattle in the fall.

Seek out cash-only establishments. Ralph’s Italian Restaurant in Philly takes one form of payment: Cash. The owners don’t want to be bothered with credit cards. And they don’t have to. The food is so delicious, they set their own rules and everyone plays by them. That’s a good sign for lovers of good food.

Take a risk. When you venture away from the tried and true you’re bound to have surprises, some of them good, some of them bad. But you’ll never discover the joys of local eating if you always stick with chain eateries and hotel restaurants. Take a chance and try something new.

Bon appétit!

– Amy S. Eckert, RED Editorial Staff

–Photo courtesy Meet Minneapolis.

–For the second day in a row, Patriots QB Tom Brady hasn’t been seen at practice. He’s probably in Mexico.

–Chuck Klosterman, columnist for Esquire and regular contributor to ESPN, has written an article about the “Perfect Pats” and how it might be better in the long run if New England loses the Super Bowl. Klosterman’s article is beautiful, poetic, well written, expertly structured, and Belichick is going to give him the biggest wedgie in the history of man.

–Novak Djokovic eliminated Rodger Federer, the Tom Brady of tennis, from the Australian Open in straight sets. The reason Federer lost is still a mystery, but some people swear they saw Jessica Simpson in the stands.

–The NHL is in negotiations to open next season with games in Sweden and the Czech Republic. Commissioner Gary Bettman says the NHL will tour the world, country by country and year after year, until they find a place where hockey is popular.

–NASCAR’s Yates Racing team is running a little short on cash this year, so their #38 and #28 cars will have a bumper sticker with “SponsorYeats.com” on it. It’s a lot classier than a “Will race for food” bumper sticker.

–According to Graham Houston, editor of Boxing Monthly, Mike Tyson ranks number one on the top ten list of hardest hitters in heavyweight history. Tyson also ranks first on the top ten list of hungriest boxers ever, but for different reasons than you think. Right Evander?

–Phoenix Suns president and CEO Rick Welts is working out a deal for the Suns to play a basketball game outside next preseason. Welts said, “It’s a completely unique experience. We like to do new and exciting things.” This is just another example of how disconnected some people are from reality. To Welts, outdoor basketball is “new and exciting,” to every other kid in America, it’s “Tuesday.”

–USC star guard O.J. Mayo might be in trouble with the NCAA for accepting free NBA tickets from Carmello Anthony, even though the two athletes have been friends for years. No word on what the NCAA will do if Anthony gives Mayo a phone call.

–Shaquille O’Neal has denied recent speculation that he’ll retire after 2008 because he’s getting old and has a bad hip. I can’t blame him. O’Neal has two years and $100 million left on his contract. For $100 million, I wouldn’t listen to reason either.

–Barry Bonds and his lawyers asked a federal judge to dismiss the charges against him claiming, “some portions of the indictment are so vague that it is simply impossible to be certain what untruths Mr. Bonds is alleged to have uttered.” Barry Bonds has been accused of using steroids by countless people, he was named in the Mitchell Report, every single media outlet in the country has mentioned it, his 756 ball is in the Hall of fame with an asterisk on it, and you’re telling me that Barry doesn’t understand the question?

–Joey Alfino, RED Editorial Staff

I’m worried about Sylvester Stallone. Maybe he’s got some kind of fatal illness he’s not telling anyone about, or maybe he’s planning on becoming a total recluse, but there’s obviously something compelling him to dust off his most famous characters and take them for one last ride.

Whatever the reason, I can’t thank him enough. That’s right, I said it. The new Rambo movie opens in theatres today, and you better believe I’ll be there. And you better believe I’m gonna love it, too—even if it stinks.

I’ve read plenty of commentary in the past week about the new Rambo film, and it’s rarely positive. Lots of people are whining that Stallone is too old, that Hollywood won’t let the franchise die, that it’s stupid, blah, blah, boo hoo.

Some critics are calling the new Rambo “ugly and sad.” Writer Joseph Tirella, whose commentary can be found at msnbc.com, calls the film a “cinematic atrocity” and even decries Stallone’s latest Rocky movie as “laughable.” More on that in a minute.

Well, Sly, I’ve got your back. To all of the cynics and film snobs of the world thumbing their noses at Rambo and Rocky, I say: Sirs, I question your patriotism!

The reason why people naysay iconic characters like John Rambo is very simple. They’ve made the fatal mistake of heading into theatres with expectations. When you go to see a movie like Rambo, what are you expecting? Spiritual enlightenment? Higher meaning? Subtext?

It’s a movie about a guy that’s really, really good at killing people! You should know that going in. Is it stupid? Of course it’s stupid, but that’s not the point. It’s fun, that’s the point. The point is fun! Why is that so hard to understand?

Why would anyone waste their time holding a Rambo film up to a set of standards? That’s like challenging the ghost of Bobby Fischer to a game of Tic-Tac-Toe.

You have to take it for what it is, folks. It’s entertainment. And there’s nothing wrong with a good action flick.

Sly is 61 years old, and some people can’t seem to get past that. Fine, say he’s washed up all you like. I guarantee he doesn’t care, and I also guarantee he won’t care when he takes the profits from Rambo to the bank, either.

No matter what you think of his work, the impact of Stallone’s characters on American popular culture is undeniable—Rocky specifically.

I’ll be the first to admit that not all the Rocky films are good. No secret there. But the last one was a very pleasant surprise that brought closure to one of America’s most recognizable characters. To think otherwise is folly.

People seem to forget how the first Rocky movie won three Oscars in 1977, including Best Picture and Best Director, thank you very much. The genius behind a character like Rocky Balboa is in his simplicity. He appeals to the very fabric of human nature, and I dare you find a person that can watch one of those movies and root against Rocky.

Rocky Balboa represents hope, courage, and America, so to laugh at Rocky is to laugh at hope, courage, and America. Is that what you want? Do you want to laugh at America?

So, to all you people out there above having fun, to all of you that think Rocky is a joke, to all of you that think Rambo is a waste of time and money, you have my deepest sympathies. I’m sorry you can’t relax. I’m sorry you can’t cheer for the underdog. I’m sorry your standards are so impenetrable.

It must be lonely at the top. While you spend the weekend watching a grainy black and white art film or crying into your brandy while you read Lord George Gordon Byron, I’ll be blowing off the stress of the work week by watching a bunch of stuff blow up.

And afterwards, my friends and I will head down to our favorite watering hole, and raise our glasses high.

But it won’t be anywhere near as high as your nose.

–Joey Alfino, RED Editorial Staff

During its abysmal 1-15 season, the only thing Miami had to look forward to was the end of it all. But now it’s over, and for the first time in a while the Dolphins have something positive to look forward to. April 26th, draft day.

For all its troubles, the Dolphins are actually in a great spot. They’ve got a clean slate and new sense of direction with Bill Parcells stepping in as executive vice president of football operations, first pick in the draft, and most importantly, they aren’t the Atlanta Falcons.

Miami is willing to consider trade options for their first round pick, but I doubt they’ll be in a hurry to do it. Plus, when it comes to projecting where the first five picks end up this year, it’s a lot easier to assume Miami stays where it is.

If Parcells decides to spend first round money on a player, he might throw everyone a curveball and take BC quarterback Matt Ryan. Current QB John Beck hasn’t convinced anyone of anything so far. We can be pretty confident Ryan will draft in the top five, so with Ryan, it’s “now or never” for the Dolphins.

But I’ll be shocked if Miami takes him. Parcells has always made defense a priority throughout his career. The Tuna’s formula has worked in the past, so you can bet like Pete Rose that Parcells will draft a defensive player.

Both LSU’s Glenn Dorsey (DT) or Virginia’s Chris Long (DE) are great options. Chris Long might be a better a fit for Miami’s 3-4 defense, but they can’t go wrong either way.

The Rams have the second pick, and if Chris Long goes to the Dolphins, St. Louis will take Dorsey. The Rams finished 3-13 on the season and managed to lose Pro Bowl offensive tackle Orlando Pace in the process. Some think drafting a new OT would be a good move, but the Rams have plenty to worry about.

By drafting Chris Long and pairing him up with last year’s first round pick, DT Adam Carriker, the defensive line wouldn’t be one of them (in theory).

The third, fourth, and fifth picks are between the Faclons, Raiders, and Chiefs, but not necessarily in that order. This whole affair is a mess. The NFL, for all its statistical mastery, can’t figure out which team stinks the most.

All three teams finished 4-12 and had the same strength of schedule, but against common opponents, the Chiefs had a better record than Oakland. So the only thing we know for sure is that Oakland will draft ahead of Kansas City. The rest is up to a coin toss between the Raiders and Falcons.

If the Falcons win the toss, the order will be Atlanta, Oakland, and Kansas City. But if Oakland wins the toss, Kansas City and Atlanta will flip for the fourth spot. Sheesh.

Funny thing is, the picking order isn’t going to matter. Atlanta will take QB Matt Ryan, and he’s still going to be around even if the Falcon’s pick fifth. It’s a shoe-in.

Oakland doesn’t need a QB, and Kansas City coach Herm Edwards’ heart is set on grooming QB Brody Croyle no matter what common sense has to say about it. Chiefs GM Carl Peterson wouldn’t ever spend top-five money for Ryan anyway.

Atlanta needs a strong QB to build a team around, and Matt Ryan is the obvious choice. I also hear he loves dogs. Case closed.

It would be a mistake for the Raiders to go after Arkansas running back Darren McFadden, so you can expect it to happen. ESPN personalities Tony Kornheiser and Mike Wilbon have often mentioned that Oakland is the worst franchise in the league to manage, and if the Raiders pick McFadden, they’ll say it again.

It’s the age-old conundrum of what you want vs. what you need. What the Raiders need is a better offensive line to protect their precious JaMarcus Russell, or maybe even some receivers for JaMarcus to throw to. But McFadden is a rare talent, so that’s probably what they’ll want.

Kansas City should pick Michigan OT Jake Long—a very, very smart choice for them. Long is talented enough to be an instant starter. The Chiefs’ offensive line has been in disarray since the retirement of Willie Roaf and Will Shields. Rebuilding it should be a priority if Kansas City wants any hope of a running game.

And with the top five NFL prospects headed to the leagues worst five teams, hope is the key word here.

Right, Tuna?

–Joey Alfino, RED Editorial Staff

The notion of a person’s eyes as windows to the soul is yesterday’s news. Now, thanks to a combination of modern technology and humanity’s voracity for doing thousands of things at once while driving the kids to soccer practice, the eyes will be the windows to the Web.

MSNBC.com reported that researchers at the University of Washington have created a prototype for a bionic contact lens, and as cool as the long term plans for it may sound, it promises to make all who use it look sillier than people who publicly carry on one-sided phone conversations at your local grocery store.

You’ve seen them. The people wandering aimlessly around the produce isle, randomly flaunting personal family information like, “Yeah! Dad finally passed the stone!” or, “Whaddaya mean it’s positive?! Well, that’s what you get for drinking whiskey in Panama.”

The bionic contact lens promises to put all those people to shame—if that’s even possible. Scientists believe that future versions of the bionic lens will serve as a wearable platform allowing its owners to access the Internet, track medical conditions, and allow gamers an even easier way to disconnect themselves from reality.

Of its potential applications, the ability to access the Internet is both creepy and cool at the same time. Through nanotechnology, a display screen would be incorporated into the lens and beamed directly onto a person’s cornea via light emitting diodes.

This would make the user interface perfectly clear to the wearer and no one else, leaving everyone around him on the commuter train to gawk at the user while he checks his email. Of course, when designing a gadget this small with so many functions, there’s the problem of figuring out how to power it.

Plugging in your contact lenses every night to charge seems a little silly, and it doesn’t seem practical to have a portable power source so close to your peepers. But University of Washington assistant professor Babak Parviz and his electrical engineering team have already thought of that.

Parviz has included an antenna in the lens that will be able to collect radio frequencies close to your eyeball and turn them into an energy source capable of powering the device.

Parviz also told the media how the wires and LED’s contained within the device won’t be concern for the wearer. All the wiring would be located around the periphery of the device as to not interfere with a person’s ability to use their eyes for other things—like seeing. “It should feel like a normal contact lens,” Parviz said. “It should be completely smooth against the surface of the eye.”

The lens was tested recently on laboratory rabbits. So far, the prototype doesn’t seem to cause any discomfort on actual tissue. The rabbits were able to “tolerate” wearing the lens for periods of up to 20 minutes, but let’s be honest, if you’re a lab rabbit, tolerance is all you’ve got.

The notion of incorporating a communication device into the bionic lens is probably a ways off, but it’s certainly going to be manageable one day. No doubt the news of the bionic lens is terribly exciting to the cell phone industry, but I’m sure it’s going to cause some major headaches for car insurance companies.

Plenty of drivers have a hard enough time keeping both hands on the wheel while they tear down the freeway, let alone both eyes. But personal safety and the responsible use of technology have never stood in the way of scientific advance. There’s no reason to start now.

If, after tireless development and testing, the bionic lens is safe for humans and put into mass production, I think the pros will outweigh the cons. Plus, it should be good for a laugh.

If you think watching someone freak out over losing a contact lens is funny now . . .

–Joey Alfino, RED Editorial Staff