Well, there’s a lot happening at the French Open this week. All but one American men’s contestant has been eliminated, reminding me of the music they play on “The Price is Right” when the little hiker falls of the cliff…Na-na-nuh-nehhhhhhh…

Most of the usual suspects are still around, though, including the always-compelling Roger Federer. Maria Sharapova has made it past the first round, a pleasant turn of events for male viewers all over the world.

And in an interesting side note, Venus Williams recorded the second-fastest serve ever hit by a female player, and the fastest in a “main-draw” match, meaning it was hit by somebody who’s, umm, somebody.

Clocking 206 kilometers per hour, which as you may know is European for 128 mph, it is thought that the serve generated a rash of UFO sightings all around the French capital.

It’s not the fastest women’s serve ever though, as Brenda Schulz-McCarthy hit one 130 miles per hour last year in Cincinnati. But of course that wasn’t a “main-draw” match.

At any rate, it just goes to show how women’s tennis in the United States is still light years ahead of the men.

RED

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Some things are as predictable as the tides. Each spring, the flowers bloom, the swallows return from Capistrano, and Andy Roddick gets ousted in the first round of the French Open.

Roddick’s loss capped a 0-8 day for American men at Roland Garros. In seven French Opens, Roddick has never made it past the third round.

This year it was the mighty Igor Andreev who did the honors in four sets. To his credit, Andreev played a brilliant game and displayed an overpowering forehand. Roddick didn’t lose the match so much as Andreev simply took it from him.

An unofficial fan site for 24-year-old Andreev proclaims, “The future of Russian tennis has arrived. The new boy wonder is here. This is Igor Andreev.”

Hyperbolic though his fan base may be, he’s also beaten two-time French Open champion Rafael Nadal previously, so his credentials on clay are actually quite good.

And anyone who can say that, of course, is a tough match-up for Roddick.

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Another great thing about baseball is the recurring themes of redemption and resurrection. No shoe is so worn that it can’t be resoled - and resold.

Who could forget Nolan Ryan’s storied stint with the Texas Rangers, or the Mariners pulling Ricky Henderson out of the Northern Independent League in 2000?

Henderson went on to hit homers in his first two lead-off at bats with the club and to post a .395 on base percentage for the season - at the age of 42. All Ryan did was solidify his status as one of the greatest ever to play the game.

This year a new crop of noteworthy retreads is making noise. As we careen headlong into June, maybe it’s time for an update.

Sammy Sosa signed a one-year deal with the same Rangers that rolled box-cars on Ryan two decades ago. No longer forced to waddle around right field, Sosa has moved into the DH role. His batting average is fair to middlin’ at .266, but he’s slugging more than .500. He’s hit 10 home runs and 10 doubles, and collected 36 RBI. Not half bad.

The Yankees are giving another lovable retread a shot. Of course, calling Roger Clemens a “retread” could help ensure that I get shot, but that’s just how far I’ll go to entertain you.

Clemens isn’t looking so hot. It took him 102 pitches to make it through 5 1/3 innings pitching for the Trenton Thunder on Wednesday. Don’t think that’s going to slow the rocket down though.

Lastly, the Arizona Diamondbacks are trotting out another former Yankee. After back surgery in the off-season, the ageless lefty Randy Johnson has gone 35 innings in six starts, walking seven while striking out 47. That’s not a misprint. Nearly eight K’s per start for the 43-year-old.

And that, kids, makes Johnson our Retread of the Month for May.

RED

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Never mind how many nine-year-olds logged on and voted for American Idol contestant Blake Lewis this week. Anyone who saw the show on Tuesday knows he was the kickee for one of the most lopsided ass-kickings in history at the hands of Jordin Sparks.

It was a performance that, in my opinion, should be entered into the American lexicon.

For example, last Saturday in a double-header at Fenway, the Red Sox made a real Blake Lewis out of the Atlanta Braves. Dice-K put up eight nice innings as the Sox wiped the floor with Atlanta 13-3.

In the second game, however, it was Boston who got Blaked. All the backup-singers in the world couldn’t drown out their feeble performance, as John Smoltz provided all the Sparks the Braves needed to drop Boston 14-0.

So who’s pulled baseball’s biggest Blake Lewis this year?

That distinction belongs to Boston’s Single-A minor league club, the Lancaster JetHawks.  In a game on May 18, the Lake Elsinore Storm battered the JetHawks 30 to zip.

The first five hitters in the Storm’s lineup combined to go 22-for-32 with five homers, six doubles, 19 RBIs and 24 runs scored.  The Storm scored four times in the first inning, six in the second, six in the third, and by the time the fourth frame was over, led 21-0. Then they tacked on nine insurance runs for good measure. Meanwhile, the Storm’s Matthew Buschmann and Matt Handley combined to pitch a shut-out.  It was a performance that must have had JetHawks players longing for Little League’s mercy rule.

Much like viewers of American Idol were on Tuesday.

RED

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I’ve never really been a fan of the Yankees. The idea that you can go out and buy a championship year after year just doesn’t seem sporting to me.

But as a baseball fan, it sure is strange and uncomfortable to see them so far out of first place heading into June. Never mind that the team’s high-priced, star-studded lineup looks largely lifeless. The pitching staff is just plain cursed.

They’ve sent 11 different pitchers to the mound this year, with some rather odd results.

In a start a few weeks ago, Jeff Karstens’ first pitch was scorched for a line drive that smacked him in the leg, breaking his fibula. Now Darrell Rasner is out, with a line drive breaking his right index finger last Saturday.

In addition to the curious pair of line-drive fractures, Chien-Ming Wang, Mike Mussina and Phil Hughes - the club’s top prospect - have all tweaked their hamstrings.

Just two starts into his comeback trail, retread Carl Pavano blew out his elbow.

Then another top prospect, Chase Wright (who was plugged in this space) simply blew up, with four homers allowed against the Red Sox. The club’s $46 million Japanese investment, Kei Igawa, hasn’t panned out either, and is currently pitching in AAA.

With so much bad luck, is it any wonder they’re looking to their 43-year-old former ace Roger Clemens to turn things around? The Rocket has been pitching double-A ball in Trenton, and could start as soon as May 28.

Clemens will be paid some $18 million on a pro-rated contract in the mid 20s, making him one of the highest paid players in the league, one of several gracing the Yanks’ bloated roster.

In other words, they’re throwing money at their problems again. Will they be able to buy their way out of the quagmire?

Their history says it’s a definite maybe.

RED

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Well, my bosses have ordered me to take a cold shower today, and it’s a good thing too, because that little vein in my forehead has been pulsating like a water weenie.

For all the drama out West, the spotlight has been taken off a couple of more traditional basketball series in the Eastern Conference. It looks like it will probably be LeBron and Co. heading into Detroit for the East’s championship matchup.

The Cavs are improving by their leader’s giant leaps and bounds, but Detroit is just sooo…lanky. Even with their travails against the resurgent Bulls, the Pistons look like they’re headed toward another finals berth.

That leaves the West. Heading into San Antonio for game six, it’s looking like a sunset for Phoenix. That would leave the Spurs and Jazz to elbow things out.

My biggest question for that series is how long will it take before all 10 players on the court simultaneously throw elbows and flop to the ground? It’ll look like lightning hit the court, but really, that’s just how those guys like to play.

Reluctantly, my inner Carnac says the Spurs will emerge, and could even claim the coveted bling bling this year. We’ll know in a month I guess.

In the meantime, I think I’ll write about baseball next week…

RED

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NBA Commissioner David Stern and his top cop Stu Jackson had a chance to bring some credibility to their game this week.

For those of us who truly do love the game of basketball, their decision to suspend Amare Stoudemire and Boris Diaw along with Robert Horry — after Horry’s reckless and totally unnecessary assault on Steve Nash — was truly sickening, a George Foreman-sized fist to the solar plexus.

During a series when San Antonio has doled out more cheap shots than Azteca on Cinco de Mayo, Amare Stoudemire gets suspended because he happened to be checking into the game when Robert Horry was hip-checking Nash out of play and into the scorer’s table.

Another huge gift for San Antonio courtesy of the league.

That the NBA has decided to reward the Spurs once again for their eye-gouging, hair-pulling, groin-kneeing catfight of a series just shows how low this game — and Stern’s leadership — has fallen.

That a complete fraud like Bruce Bowen was allowed to take the floor last night, but Stoudemire wasn’t, has to be one of the great injustices in sports history.

When a sporting event can be arbitrarily influenced by bad decisions levied by foolish, arrogant men, it ceases to be a sport, and becomes an exhibition, like professional wrestling, or figure skating.

In David Stern’s NBA, there always seems to be a crooked French judge accepting bribes to favor the Russians. Ric Flair always seems to burst into the ring and hit someone with a folding chair while the referee is distracted.

Stern presides over one of the world’s greatest games, played by some of the world’s most amazing athletes.

But if Stern and Stu are going to make decisions like the one they made this week, those athletes might as well start wearing sequined jumpsuits.

RED

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Dude…did you see that play Bruce Bowen made the other night against the Suns?

Yeah, he kneed Steve Nash pretty hard. Niiice. It was even better than his play the previous game, when he kicked Amare Stoudemire in the Achilles.

His play on Steve Francis last November was better. You know, where he stuck his foot underneath Francis on a jump shot and caused him to sprain his ankle? That was awesome. Yeah, then he did the same thing to Jamal Crawford a week later, and Isaiah Thomas went after Bowen. And Francis wasn’t even back yet from the sprained ankle! He missed a couple weeks there. No wonder Isaiah was so mad.

Yeah, Bowen hurt Francis real good. Almost as good as the time he sprained Vince Carter’s ankle by undercutting him. He could have ended Carter’s career! Wow, I wonder how many millions that would have cost him? A lot I bet.

How about the time Bowen kicked Ray Allen in the back as Ray-Ray was laying on the floor?

That was good too! I mean, every player shoves and holds and throws the odd elbow, but whenever Bowen goes out, he just does something sweet, like kicking someone or knocking their legs out while they’re jumping so they come crashing to the floor, or elbowing them in the face, or poking them in the eye.

I just wish the refs would leave him alone. The NBA hasn’t been fining him or suspending him. Obviously they want the game to evolve! It’s Bowenball baby!

Maybe tonight he’ll bite someone’s ear off. That would be cool!

Word! That Bruce Bowen is one heck of a basketball player.

RED

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When the puck drops tonight to slap-start the Western Conference finals between the Red Wings and Ducks, three of the top blueline defensemen in NHL history will be squaring off.

All three are up for this year’s James Norris Memorial Trophy, awarded annually to the NHL’s top defenseman. While Anaheim Ducks defenders Chris Pronger and Scott Niedermayer are looking for their second Norris Trophies, the Wings’ Nicklas Lidstrom is up for his fifth, which would tie for third all time.

One would have to think their performances in the playoffs will be a prime factor in who wins the award.

What’s interesting about these three is how different their games are. Lidstrom is like a metronome - rock steady and constantly in tune with the rhythm of the game. Niedermayer is widely considered one of the best skaters in the league, while Pronger’s size and aggressiveness allow him to dominate at both ends.

Who will come out on top? Hard to say of course, but the battle sure will be fun to watch. Another interesting sub-plot in what’s shaping up to be another great playoff series.

With stories like these all over the ice, after years of declining ratings, the next two weeks could be a defining period for hockey in North America.

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Hockey in May is a curious thing, but that’s when the fun really starts isn’t it. So here we are. It’s a race to eight wins and that wacky oversized keg cup.

This year’s group is among the most evenly matched in recent memory. Burly Anaheim takes on never-say-die Detroit in the West, while Obstinate Ottawa skates into Big Game Buffalo tonight.

Who’s going to win it all?

Well, if you’re one of my regular readers and you tuned in Tuesday, you know who I’m putting my money on. Unfortunately for my wallet, however, they still have to play the games.

So for a variety of reasons, I’ve got Anaheim in the West. They are balanced, and talented. They have two legendary defensemen yet handily outscored Vancouver and Minnesota - two of the stingier teams in the league.

Detroit is a little banged up but will not go quietly. They’ve overcome some adversity to make it this far and have something to prove. They’re in game shape too, having just wrapped up their last series.

In the east, Buffalo is the easy pick and I like things easy. The Sabres have the best clutch player in hockey right now and are mean and nasty enough on defense.

Ottawa is hungry and hell bent for revenge against a Buffalo team that spanked them last year. This year’s series will be closer, but I just don’t see them getting over the hump in 2007.

Overall, the East’s final round will be longer, tougher, harder and more passionate. This series will be played across hockey’s heartland, and I can almost see the octopi flying. If you’re a hockey fan, this one should not be missed.

RED

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